Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
