I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
