...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
last night I used snow as a chaser
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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