I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize