Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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