I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
