You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
