i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
accomplished twins. life is a go
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
