you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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