Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
