I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
