I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
