I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
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also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
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Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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