my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
im six kinds of drunk right now
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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