Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this just has baby written all over it
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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