but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
