Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
