Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
