I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
