I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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