I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
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This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
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Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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