I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Less talking, more tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Randomize