Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
