I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
