Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
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side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
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As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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