I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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