I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize