I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
