Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
