I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
