I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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