So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
