I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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