a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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