There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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