no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
