I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
