he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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