if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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