If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
