Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
