sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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