Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
