Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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