I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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