Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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