I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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