I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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