I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
