i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
