Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
