My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He did a backflip because drugs
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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