i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
