Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
